What is the world made up of?!?!

Ah well, so many things on top of my head this week, that's brought me to ask, "What's the world really made up of?!"

First I bumped into a parent/friend. She was waiting to meet a higher authority to obtain permission for a re-test of her child. And he's in only standard 1!!! I don't understand parents. Gosh! And why they wanted a re-test is beyond my level of acceptance - so that the accumulative marks would result in being in the top five!! Outrageous! Is this what we call education or being educated?! This isn't education to me! I remember growing up with not so great marks in Math. But, mom would say, do well in the things you are confident about and just scrape through everything else. My good marks in other subjects helped me sail through my school life and I did end up following my dream and passion. I wasn't in the top five. I am not a brilliant student, but I am passionate about the subject I actually studied to earn my bread and butter for many years. I couldn't boast of having the top scores in all subjects, but I made my mother proud that I didn't waste her hard-earned money by failing a year. Years later, I think I am a better person, no matter how bad I am with my accounting and mathematical skills! I think I managed well in life. I wouldn't want my son sitting and studying all his life and losing out on his childhood studying things he wouldn't even need as he grows up. Yes, scoring well is important and it instills discipline in children and it helps build healthy competition. But not at the cost of losing childhood or being compared at all times how another child has done better. I don't want my child or any other child for that matter to be so lost in the world of books that he forgets to look up and admire the beauty of the world. I want my child to be smart, street smart, and a good human being. No book in the world teaches you that. And if you cant be any of these, then I believe, there is no use of being in the top five or scoring a century in every given subject. All this leads me to ask, what really is the world made up of?!

Then, I bumped into a colleague. I complimented her about her choice of dressing at a school do recently. I mentioned how much I loved the colour of her sari and how totally it was a colour I totally approved of. And she said, "Thank you for telling me, because I was feeling that I was not up to the mark" I gaped at her in shock! I said, "M, you should be joking! You were looking just superb! And why bother if someone complimented you or not?! You know you were looking good, then why bother about someone else?!" And she said, "Oh it didn't matter if someone complimented me or not, but I hate being looked down upon, which happened." I replied, "Don't allow anyone to look down upon you. You have to hold you head high and tell yourself that you are doing just fine - however you are". Our conversation went on for a few minutes and I told her that I didn't really wait for compliments to come my way and I just turned insults and anything negative to a positive feeling. I would tell myself not to allow anyone's bad intentions or words affect me publicly. Of course, I would cry or lament in private, but, I realized that YOU are who you are the way you are perceived. If you portray yourself to be on top of things, you will be treated in the same manner. If you portray to have low self esteem and a fickle or sensitive mind, there are people ready to jump on you and put you down only to show their superiority. Its easy to say such things, but difficult to do. Yes, it is difficult, not impossible! And being this way is just a matter of time. M said, "You know, I have stopped smiling even!" I asked her a very puzzled, "Why" and she replied, "Have you seen the environment around me?" I said, "Why allow the environment to change you? Why not take the opportunity to change the environment?!" Its easy to succumb to pressure, but totally worth it to stand up for what you think is right! I told her that if she needed to smile the next time, all she had to do was look for me! And as I walked away, I wondered, what the world was made up of?!

There are other things worrying me, but I shall write on them another day!

So, what is the world made up of? People like you and me! Some positive and some negative. Some fickle and some determined. Some fighters and winners and some losers! Ah well, without this mix, I guess, I wouldn't have turned out to be the person I am and wouldn't have realized how important it is to be yourself and love yourself this way. No matter what the world is made up of, you are YOU and here's my solemn and heartfelt bow!   

Year End...I survived it all!

Everybody I know is writing, updating their year-end posts. I took inspiration from them all and thought I'd write a couple of lines too!

The year has just gone by. Some days were so difficult and some days were completely smooth sailing. I have survived them all.

I've been a working professional for 11 years. I've had a fantastic career graph and I have truly done justice to whatever I took up. Work was more of a passion. A feeling of stubbornness and a reason to continue with life. It taught me the ways of the world. It introduced me to people from different walks of life. Some people walked into my life and left their footprints and some walked by and taught me a tough lesson. Tough lessons learned didn't make me a bitter person, but turned me into a wonderful human being. I don't really shy to address myself with adjectives like, wonderful and nice, because, I just know I am! :) Working gave me the courage to explore, push my capabilities and see how far I could go on, taught me to be patient, prodded me on to get better. It gave me the much wanted pedestal to stand upon and look far ahead. It helped me prove myself to people who only thought I was a good for nothing person! I proudly pat my back and say I've never once bargained for a better position or salary; I never really prepared before an interview and I just managed to have the answers on my finger tips and the salary just poured in. There were days when I sat back and calculated the commitments I had made. Hmm, quite a few. There were days when I wondered what it would be like to quit work and just be home. Finally, there did come a time when I had to decide whether to continue working, which had turned burdensome or to take a break and enjoy motherhood. I battled with the thought for months and when I finally did take the much wanted and much awaited break, I didn't regret a single moment! I had wondered whether I'd get bored as I had never had so much time on my hands! I had wondered how I'd control my shopping sprees, lunches and outings and I realized I never really spent on myself! Ever! To be honest, I felt someone had moved the Himalayas off my shoulder! I used to be so bogged down with commitments, responsibilities, duties and wants/needs of everybody. I had taken it upon me to be the provider and I realized I couldn't do it for long. And it felt so good to allow others to take note that they were just misusing my earning capacity and that it was high time to let me off the hook. I've never once regretted in the last 12 months of my decision to take a break. I survived it all!

Relationships. It is a topic that needs no definition. You just have to mention the term, and I can write pages of various relationships that I have had in my life. Mother. Daughter. Wife. Friend. Lover. Individual. Name it, and I've treaded the path.

As a mother, I took a big decision in my life to take a break from my career and work towards being a good parent. A parent to whom a child can rush home to. A parent to take bruises to. A parent to read dinner and bed time stories with. A parent who will chide and love all at the same time. Being mother and seeing the smile spread across sonny boy's face has been my biggest reward. 

Daughter. I have done my best in the past. I've supported, catered, looked after all the needs that arose. I've been there and done my "duty". A duty that not many daughters would follow in this age and era. I may not have put my parent on a pedestal and said a hundred i-love-you's, but I showed it in my action. I don't know if these actions were understood or misunderstood. I have done my bit.

Wife. I've been around, whether I was needed or not. I've given my all - my patience, my tolerance, my forgiveness, my love and my tears. I've explained and never really expected explanations in return. I've tolerated and always knew my actions would never be tolerated. I've forgiven and known for sure that forgiveness would never come my way. I have loved selflessly and unconditionally and have been told that I would never top the list. I've cried silent tears and known for sure that they may have been heard, but would never be understood. I've questioned silently and received silence in return. I've been dutiful and have received rewards for that attitude. Rewards for not questioning, for minding my own business and for letting things be.

Friend. Ah, yes! I've been a good friend! I can proudly say that. I've been around to take calls and messages late at night. I've run around and done things out of my way for my friends. I did it selflessly and with all my heart. I returned every single moment of friendship with all my heart. Ask around and you will know! I've cared and nurtured every single friend of mine - new or old in the same way. No differences made. I owe my life to these friends (I don't have to name them, my heart knows who they are) for making me, ME; for loving me unconditionally and for returning the friendship in a double fold. I've made a lot of good friends in the gone by year and have maintained the others with the same amount of love with which we had started off! We survived another year of togetherness!

And there have been relationships that really can't be named. It sounds too trivial to use the word "lover"! It's way beyond that! One such relationship brought me out of the recesses of darkness and into the light! It showed me affection when I desperately needed someone to hug me and tell me I'd be fine. The affection turned into unconditional love over the years. No matter how far I was or how inaccessible, the love has just remained and remained how!?! It has doubled and tripled! This love/relationship showed me the person I was deep inside. It helped revive the person I was deep within. It helped me recognize myself and my worth. Words fail me when I have to explain this "relationship". This relationship is beautiful and precious. There are days when I want this relationship right in front of my eyes and I do want it every single day of my life. And there are days when I resign to the reality of the distance and tell myself that no matter how far, I will keep this love going and I know for sure this relationship is going to see many more years! Here's my special hug to that relationship/person - you know who you are! You've given me so much of love, attention and importance that nobody can even come close to compare to it. You've loved me unconditionally, not thinking of the distance and not really thinking of how we'd survive. Our conversations have brought tears to our eyes and without even seeing each other, we know exactly how we feel about life, love and relationships in general. We survived another year and you've made it beautiful. Effortlessly. Thank you.

Yes, I've survived yet another year. I've been quick to anger and unforgiving. There were days when I was so angry that I couldn't fathom what I'd do. Do I question? Do I ignore? And, there have been days when I've just said, "go to hell". I've been tolerant and illogical. I was tolerant towards the situations at hand and calmed myself to find solutions, but in vain. I've asked for answers and tolerated the silence that greeted me in return. I've been good, bad, and ugly. Yes, I've been good to those who have been good to me. Its but obvious! I've been bad. Bad as in argumentative, rude, impolite, and plain harsh. I've been ugly when people have just pushed me off the cliff. I've returned it with quarter the impact, but returned it nevertheless. I am human and can't be good all the time. The bad and ugly people need to realize they can't push me off the edge every single time and expect me to bounce back with forgiveness. No, that's not going to happen. I've been patient and emotionless. I've been patient enough to continuously forgive those who just bug the hell out of me, those who take me for granted, I've allowed them to misuse my nice self. Well, there will be a day and time when they will realize that what they did was way too wrong. I've been emotionless at various occasions and never really could bring myself to feel in a certain way. I need to be pushed to the edge of my patience and tolerance levels to bring tears to my eyes that are heartfelt. Sometimes I wonder where the person has disappeared who'd cry at the drop of a hat! Where has the person walked off to, who'd not think of fighting back, even if someone stabbed from behind!

Well, I have decided I shall survive every single moment, day, week, month and year! The smile will remain like nothing could ever erase it off my face! The twinkle in the eyes would remain like no tear could wash it away! The enthusiasm would remain like nothing could douse it! Happy New Year!

Is being selfish a bad thing?

A friend and I had a bit of an argument today. About life and relationships. It pretty much boiled down to saying that the person responsible for this discussion was selfish. Well yes, this person is selfish and WHY not? 

(I shall call the "selfish person", SP for ease of writing.)

As far as I see it, SP is a nice person and has always been so. Doing/did her best to make her marriage work. (What is truly "best" is a relative term and each person has his/her own definition of the word.) There came a phase in her life when she was emotionally stripped and was made to feel low. There are various instances till date which makes SP feel terrible and has no way out. SP was alone, sad and depressed most of the times. Hurt. Over the years, she got stronger and started to deal with life on her terms. SP was not questioned about anything.

Then SP got close to someone who respected her for what she was. Who gave her that emotional and physical satisfaction that she was being deprived of. Who gave her the necessary support and affection that SP has been missing and craving for. My friend opined that SP shouldn't be seeking for love or whatever it is outside of the marriage, especially when the other person wasn't really committing to the relationship. I argued that SP had all the rights to seek for love, attention, care, physical intimacy, etc that a relationship should ideally consist of. She tried her best to get these things out of her marriage, but in vain. And, here's a person who is bestowing all of this to her, with no immediate plans of commitment, so what's wrong with that? Yes, its not a

permanent solution, and I don't think its so terrible for the moment either.

Coz, I'd like to know who would SP turn to if she wanted emotional and physical support? Her marriage was a convenient thing and didn't cater to all of this. SP is young and is very much in need of emotional support and physical intimacy. Should she just crib and complain about the situation at hand or should she just find her own happiness? Should she keep trying to change her current loveless life and not expect a change in the near future or should she just continue living this convenient arrangement and lead her life alongside? Yes, maybe her marriage would go back to normalcy in the next five or ten years, touch wood. But, what till then? SP is growing old too and is desperate to lead a normal life. What should SP do? Is it wrong for SP to find solace in someone who is readily giving her the emotional and mental support and of course the physical intimacy? Is it better to be selfish and find some happiness for now, not knowing when this life would end rather than awaiting a change from someone who hasn't bothered about her in years, apart from being the dutiful husband or just become a cynical and bitter nag? 


We talk about being modern and liberal. And yet, we are so conservative in our thoughts. I tried telling all this to that friend, but didn't want to get into an argument with her. I value my friendship as much as I value my opinion/outlook towards life and relationships. I remembered a line from a previous post - what is right for me, may not be right for others and vice versa. A friend's blog pretty much voiced the same opinion that we just get into our comfort zones and fear to tread another path in search of love. And life continues. But, there are a few of us, who would want to tread that path not taken often and find happiness, solace, love, intimacy, and peace. I don't find anything wrong taking that not so "liked by all" path. My total support to SP for choosing to be happy, no matter if it was appreciated or not. I'd rather have SP die a fulfilled life, than dying every single day, not knowing what to expect from life.

Passing winds of negativity...

I am just angry. Angry, irritated, tired, sleepy, lonely and just plain bugged. I can copy paste or type this line a million times today to get rid of the frustration that's building inside. I'm usually the type who doesnt get bogged down for long with such negativity, but today is just one of those days when I dont want to be positive, tolerant, patient, positive, loving, caring, etc. I want to throw a temper tantrum, I want to scream and fight and be angry. I want to let go off some frustration.

My "why's" have no answer. So I am really not looking for answers, because I know my why's have no answer, but I still want to ask those very same questions. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why the hell, why????

I was talking to a single mother today and was asking her how things were at her end. She was telling me about her marital life. Telling me how she was being ill-treated and how she was physically abused. She got bitten and was bleeding during one such sexual act. I wanted to truly castrate the man who had done that to her. How dare he!?! 

Another single mother was telling me about how her divorce is just getting postponed from one day to the other. How she has to live with this rubbish tag of a man who wants or finds pleasure in causing distress. 

The other day, a friend was telling me about another friend's marital life and how she had expected her husband to remain the way he was when they had met and not change the way he had. 

I seriously dont understand the problem. I simply dont. Why are men like this? And what are they gaining? Why do they shirk away from commitment and responsibilities? Why are they so double faced - one for outdoors and one for indoors? Why are they so spineless? Why, just tell me why? Why cant they deal with the problem/situation at hand? Why do they pretend the problem doesnt even exist? Problem, what problem? There isnt any problem!! Why is everything our fault? Taking responsibility of self, child, family, in laws is our fault. Putting on weight is our fault. Not losing weight is our fault. Losing weight slowly is also a fault! Giving too much freedom is our fault; not giving too much freedom also is a fault! Appreciating/respecting each other's space is also our problem; not doing the same is surely a problem! Our very existence in the lives of our men is also a fault! I dont know the definition of "fault" anymore!

Gosh, I really dont get it! I cant write ahead because the same questions keep floating around and simply writing this blog post is not helping release my irritation or pent up emotions. Maybe I just need to take a nap and let it pass. Well, letting it pass is our fault and picking up a fight is also our fault. Not too much choice, is there?

Right vs Wrong

A friend of mine was telling me about her near death experience. I listened in rapt attention to her vivid experience.

Many days later, considering my wild imaginations and thought process, I imagined myself at the end of Life's road. I was imagining myself slip away into an abyss. I imagined people gathering and discussing how good, bad or ugly I was. People, I thought, would feel sad for a day or so and then move on in their lives. They'd discuss me for a while and forget my existence. My belongings would be taken care of, distributed, destroyed, whatever. How does that make or mar my life and existence? Everyone would have an opinion about me. Some would say good things, some would be skeptical. Some would be outrightly rude. Some would take a diplomatic stance. What about me? Some would voice their thoughts of how I should have led my life, or how I should have tackled a certain situation, of how I should have said this, done that. Some would say I should have been more vocal, more defensive. Many opinions, thoughts, words would pour out.

But, not one person would think of life from my point of view. Nobody would question or even remotely think of what I would have said or done. Why was I the way I was? Why did I change or not change? Why did I say something or not say something? Why did I or not rebel? Why did I keep my silence or not keep it? Nobody would think on those lines. Then, why on Earth, was I thinking of everyone so much?
 

How do we define right from wrong? What is right and what is wrong? Who makes that judgment? Yes, we all know our basic right from wrong rules. Each of us have our version of what is right and what is wrong. What is right for me, maybe wrong to you and vice versa. Then why do I have to think so much about what others are going to think of a stance or situation?! Some people would realize that I was an individual, with individual tastes, likes and dislikes; I had my emotional highs and lows and I behaved in a certain way or said things that I should have and shouldn't have. These very same people would or wouldn't pay too much attention to that realization! Not everyone in this world likes to accept their mistakes. Not everyone would accept their mistake of how I changed because of them or how I said or didn't say things because of them. 

Sounds like I'm justifying. No, I am not. I'm trying to make sense about the ways of the world and human nature in general. 

We all are so worried about what others will say, do or think. We all are aiming to fit into the world. We always find ways to do the "right" thing. I'd like to ask again, who defines what is right? And honestly, what is right? Is it right to always think about what others think is right and follow the norm blindly? Is it right to kill
the way you are feeling just because others aren't feeling that way? Is it right to swallow down emotions just because others are not reciprocating? Is it wrong to seek love and attention? Is it wrong to emote in a certain way which would keep you happy rather than worrying of fidelity? Is it wrong to let go off your emotions rather than burying them in the deep recesses of your heart?

What is right and what is wrong?

Of Friendship, Comfort and Commitment

Friendship: Friends and friendship have been described umpteen times. I often read through good quotes (on the net and I have a collection of quotes written down in small diaries) on who a friend is and what constitutes friendship, and all I do is nod or smile in recognition. To me a friend is an extension of me. Slightly different from me. No matter how clichéd it sounds, but a friend is really someone you can depend upon; call or sms in the middle of a sleepy night; dump problems on; is your advisor, philosopher, guide, mentor, confidante. If someone asked me to think of people I’d categorize under the above mentioned categories, I’d close my eyes and picture each one who’d fit in there perfectly. Friends and friendship have made life beautiful and will surely continue to be so…

Comfort: After a tired day, have you tried soaking your feet in warm water? Have you ever walked by a lake and felt the grass under your feet? Have you ever just dropped yourself on your bed and pulled the warm sheets up to your neck on a winter night? Have you ever had someone run their fingers through your hair which had you close your eyes and sigh? Have you ever had someone knead your tired feet and told you that you could just forget your worries for a while? Have you ever found solace and comfort in just being held by strong arms and hearing the low thudding of the heart against your ears? Have you ever found peace when you’re surrounded by a comfortable silence? Everyone’s definition of comfort is different. You get the idea, don’t you?

Relationship/Commitment: When friends come one step ahead and want to be around you more often than other friends, or when they want to be close to you physically and respect and love that proximity, I’d define or categorize that relationship as commitment. Commitment towards “always” being there for you; to always listen to what you are saying and to what you are not saying; to guide, to correct and to reform; to help, to change, and to retain.

Marriage: to me is a combination of the above three – friendship, comfort, commitment. If I can be friends with my spouse or partner, I’ve won one fourth the battle. I could talk what I want with my friend; I could depend on my friend; I could suddenly start a conversation not really caring what time of the night it was; I could dump problems; I could seek advise without really fearing judgment of character; I could just be me. Comfort is the added advantage. It’s the key ingredient. It’s interlinked. Without comfort, what good is a friend? Adding comfort to my friendship, another bit of the journey has been walked effortlessly. Commitment fits in here, at this point, when I’d use the world-wide term “marriage”. It would fit in without the commencement of marriage too, but, that’s another topic of discussion at another level completely. Commitment to remain the friend, retain the comfort and move on to bigger responsibilities. Sounds quite an ideal setup.

Somewhere down the line, the friend disappears, the comfort dissipates. What used to be a cake walk becomes a task. Done, tick. The silence is no longer comfortable. Each one leading their own lives. So, in this partnership, commitment, marriage, if one of them loses sight of the things which once seemed so difficult to live without, what should the other person do? Should the loss be questioned? Should you allow it pass, with no guarantee when it would come back? Should newer pastures be found to walk on? Should doors be closed and not bother oiling the hinges? The questions are endless.

Is this a normal trend? Is it ok to go through these phases? Is it ok to let go? Is it ok to lead your life and find love again? Of course not! It’s not a normal trend and its really not ok to go through these phases. It is ok to let go, but a difficult task, no doubt. Yes, it is ok to lead your life and find love again. It’s alright. No, I am not convincing myself, but I’m trying to prove the point that yes, it is alright to search for love again, outside your comfort zone, outside your marriage, commitment. Not out of rebellion, but out of need to let go. Out of the necessity to release pent up emotions, feelings and urges. Yes, it is alright to find comfort in walking on that cool lawn with a hand to hold on to. We all have the right and truly deserve to love and be loved, no matter what name you give to a relationship – friend, comfort-zone, partner, or spouse. After all, we just have one life time. I’ve always believed that it isn’t worth regretting and have stuck on to that for years. I’ve never regretted a decision, a moment, a thought, a need, an emotion, a feeling or a relationship. I’ve questioned them and then slowly, but steadily, moved on to find things and people who gave me comfort, love, friendship and commitment without asking for it.

Yes, it is alright to receive and find all of this. It truly is.

How much is too much?

So many thoughts floating in my head. I'm trying to sleep...but these thoughts disturb the pattern. My eyes are tired and so are my feet. Exhausted is the word! Scenes play and replay in my mind and I see a million questions jutting out.

I remember watching this very nice movie about the lives of three friends, their friendship and their relationships. This one scene comes to my mind now: A girl is sitting by herself on the beach. Sad and upset. Crying at her misfortune of having a broken heart. Her first set of failures at Love's hands. Her friend pacifies her and tells her that she's a beautiful girl and a nice person. She would surely find another person to love and care for. She is not convinced with his consolatory words. The friend picks up a handful of sand and holds it tight. Sand escapes from between his fingers and he says, "Love is like this sand - the more you try to conquer it and hold it tight, it will try to escape. And the more you let it live freely, the more it stays back with you."

How much is too much? How much do we let go and how much do we hold it close? Holding it too close makes relationships claustrophobic. Letting it go, makes it wander! Sounds funny to me and I have this smirk on my face while I ponder over this very pictorial representation of an emotion! I seem to have lost my mind's dictionary about lots of things. Do we respect the space that we've been given or do we want to smother the other person with way too much love and affection (read: interference), making it difficult to breathe? Do we help retain our partner's sense of freedom with the feeling that our freedom will be respected in return?

Too many of these questions leave me thinking if its really worth thinking on these lines in the very first place. Do we just let things be, enjoy the present and the future with less or no expectations? Oh well, not another question! It's time to hit the sack and not trouble the mind too much. Let these answer-less questions just hang about in space and let answers find their way. Here's wishing every "simple" question had a "simple" and quick answer. Too much to ask for, I know! But, what's life without questions?! Huh?